For the past few months promoting this book, I’ve traveled the American West doing readings, phoned in to book club meetings across the country, and participated in numerous blog events out in cyberspace. Through all of that, I’ve been fascinated to discover that we’re all asking the same questions about the state of long-term marriage and the lack of passion that can plague it—or worse, sound the alarm or death knell of something we once thought sacred and forever.
The following Q&A is presented with these caveats: I am no expert in marriage or psychology, and I hold no degrees nor am I a licensed anything. However, my husband and I have been together for nineteen years. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee in other relationships. I read voraciously about the biology of love, the science of romance and dating and mating. And like Paul Simon says in a song of the same title, “Maybe I think too much.”
An imaginary conversation, then, performed in two parts by me:
JS1: Where the heck did all that love and romance go and will it ever come back?
JS2: How clever of you to ask that question, JS! By understanding the biological underpinnings of human love and romance, we can gain clarity and achieve a better comfort level around the inevitable changes in our marriages.
When first we fall in love, chemicals flow through our brains that make us feel euphoric, aroused, and attractive, and like the only one on earth who has ever felt this way with another person. It’s the same chemical that drives addiction. It’s the same chemical that is released when we eat chocolate. Why? So we will fulfill our biological imperative and mate with another human. That’s it. From the body’s perspective, it’s not about finding our soul mate, but about replacing ourselves on earth so our species will survive.
Once we have fulfilled that obligation, or enough time has passed to do that—say a year to a year-and-a-half—the passion chemical is replaced by a bonding chemical that encourages us to stay together long enough to raise the offspring to physical viability—say seven years old (the dreaded seven-year itch). And yes, it applies even if we don’t have children.
At that point, the partnership is no longer required, biologically speaking, and things can get dicey. That’s when we must become our most human selves and not act and react from an unthinking and solely biological place. That’s when it gets more difficult to be romantic and kind with our partners, but we have to if we want to build life-long love and respect (and fingers crossed, passion) inside our relationships.
(For more details from a real expert, read Why We Love by anthropologist Helen Fisher.)
JS1: Must we simply forego passion when it evaporates from our marriage?
JS2: There’s a reason why they say marriage takes work. It’s not the bills or the kids or the countless other obligations that are the hard work. It’s staying passionate and in love and respectful through all of those things that is the challenge. Staying conscious of the state of your relationship, staying awake a little longer at night to canoodle, rubbing your partner’s back when you should really be answering a work email or when you’d really rather watch mindless TV. Watch your partner’s eyes instead when he/she tells you about his/her day. Try to see what’s happening behind the words. Offer a hug that lasts more than two seconds. Squeeze a little harder on bad days. It’s the small kindnesses, and the reciprocation of them, that help two people stay in love.
JS1: Is it wrong to fantasize about running away? Okay, about doing the horizontal tango with someone who is not necessarily your spouse?
JS2: I hope not. I figure that anything happening between your own two ears is your business only. I’ve talked with a lot of women now about this topic, and trust me when I say you’re not the only one with a rich fantasy life.
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Jennie Shortridge lives in Seattle and is the author of three novels from NAL: Love and Biology at the Center of the Universe, Eating Heaven, and Riding with the Queen. Her next book will be published in November 2009.
Wow, it seems like ages since I had a chance to sit down and spend some quality time with my blog. Just to explain: I’ve been working on a very complicated and high-profile project at my office, involving transferring both our American and (eventually) our European labs to a brand new computer system. The development has been a long and involved process and has required a lot of travel. It’s really been a great opportunity for me and a real learning experience, but it has also eaten up huge blocks of time. My house is a wreck, my cat doesn’t recognize me, the only toiletries I have are hotel shampoo bottles and I have no idea when I’ll get to put up my Christmas tree – but I’m having a good time!
The upside is that I get to do a lot of reading in airports. In airplaces (on a cramped, eight-hour flight from Amsterdam to Newark, you better have something to occupy your mind). And in hotel rooms. And waiting for shuttle buses. You get the picture, right? So I have lots and lots of reviews to post, as soon as I get a chance to write them all up.
Here are some of the reviews you can look forward to over the next week or two:
Not bad for a couple of weeks, I think. Now I just have to get the reviews written and everything posted! It’s good to be back!
Even though my schedule is ridiculous, I can’t resist a Secret Santa! How about you? Well you can sign up here to play Secret Santa to some deserving Book Blogger – and get a little something for yourself in return. It’s time to start thinking about the holidays!
I’m sorry that there hasn’t been much new to read here in a while. I’m battling The Cold of the Century, dealing with consultants and emissaries from The Corporate Office and trying to get ready for a 2-week business trip to Europe, so I am behind in my reading and my reviewing. In the next few weeks, you can look for reviews of The Bible Illuminated (a follow-up to my sneak peek), a cookbook called Kosher by Design Lightens Up, Coraline by Neil Gaiman – I finished this one ages ago and have been meaning to post my review. I will also be on the blog tour for Love and Biology at the Center of the Universe, which I have nearly finished and am really enjoying. I hate it when real life intrudes on my reading and blogging!
My blog isn’t a political place, but I’m really excited about the upcoming election. I haven’t been able to volunteer as much as I have in the past because of my crazy travel schedule, and that schedule is keeping me home from the big event today: a rally in Cleveland with Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Bruce Springsteen. As much as I would love to go, I’m currently fighting off a cold, I’ve got huge meetings all week and I leave for Amsterdam next Sunday – no time to really come down sick, so there is no braving the weather and standing on the mall for me today. I feel like I’m missing something historic.
However, for readers Republican and Democratic alike, I wanted to post a little something my friend J. posted on another forum. He is a brilliant thinker and a fabulous writer, but prefers to be anonymous. This is part of a much longer post, but in a year when the elections have been so divisive, I think it’s good to remember the things that bring us together:
“Reality does have a liberal bias, and when architecture and urban planning conspires to place people more firmly into the reality of the people around them, and not buried somewhere behind a large lawn, a courtyard wall, in the “media room” in the center of the house, plugged in to Fox News, suddenly they realize they’ve been a liberal all along, and that the values that they thought they supported as Republicans, values such as community, family, prosperity, and security, are actually really Democratic values. The only difference is that we mean these things for everyone, and we realize that we must accomplish them together, or not at all. Prosperity for some, and poverty for others, is not prosperity when you have a connection to a mixed community, and, whether you realize it or not, you do have such a connection. Security doesn’t mean walls and fences and weapons, it means good neighbors who keep in touch with each other and watch out for each other, and it doesn’t matter what race, class, or religion those neighbors are, all that matters is that you help each other out because you’re in it together. Community isn’t a self-selected group of white evangelicals in a mega-church, or a self-selected group of the well-to-do in a gated community, it’s whoever happens to be around at that moment and whoever lives next door. Families aren’t just a working father, a stay at home mom, and 2.4 kids in the suburbs, it might be the retired widower next door whose grown son lives with him, along with the son’s girlfriend and her child from a former marriage, or a lesbian couple and their kids, or whatever. Families take all shapes, and all lives are equally valid and human.
When you deal with the full spectrum of humanity, and you find that we all really want the same things, suddenly the Republican politics of division and fear start to sound insane.”
Sad, sad news today. Tony Hillerman, author of a number of mystery novels set in the American Southwest, died Sunday at the age of 83.
I’m a big fan of mystery and detective novels and I have read a number of the Joe Leaphorn/Jim Chee books. There are few authors who were as skilled at bringing a region to life – his portrayal of the Navajo reservation, its people and the landscape of the Southwest was as vivid and clear as a vacation snapshot.
I enjoyed his work. He will be missed by mystery lovers everywhere.
My favorite story is “Assisted Living.” Rosemarie has been shuffled off to an assisted living facility because her kids are concerned about her. She quickly finds herself going stir crazy among the quiet old ladies, so she sets out to make friends with the old men. Playing poker and and checking out the racing forms are far more fun than bingo and craft classes, anyway.
“Breaking Up” is really hard to do in a story where a woman hires her lawyer-pal to break the news to a boyfriend that just won’t take the hint. “The Morgue Called” is a heart-warming snippet about a funeral home worker who places a classified ad, looking for mourner’s for a John Doe’s funeral. “Birds and the Bees” jumbles up traditional ideas about parents.
This is an interesting concept and I wouldn’t mind seeing something else in the same vein from Georgia Post. While I would like to see more variety, you have to admit that Mrs. Post knows a bit about marriage: according to the author notes, she has been married for 52 years. That’s quite an accomplishment. I imagine she’s had time to think through some of the scenarios, with happier results.
My copy was an Advanced Reader edition; you can order yours at Amazon.com.
Don’t let the blurb on the back cover fool you: this is not a mystery, not a pageturner. More than anything, this is a book on the history of philosophy, starting with the influence of Rene Descartes and continuing through today.
That is not what I expected, to be honest, when I requested the book. I enjoy both non-fiction and mysteries, and a good real-life detective story involving a missing skull and a famous philosopher sounded like an episode of the tv show Bones come to life. Unfortunately, while there is some mystery surrounding the authenticity of the skull that most believe to be the genuine article (at one point there were at least 4 skulls or skull fragments held up as the real thing), that is not the main thrust of this tale. Most of this book discusses the impact of Descartes’ theories on the philosophers, scientists, theologians, rulers and politicians who followed him, as well as the ordinary people who lived under their influence. For students of philosophy, it would be a very interesting tale; sadly, I did not find it a compelling story.
My book was an Advanced Reader Copy; you can purchase yours at Amazon.com.
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